The [Eternal] Timeline of Grief
‘What happens when I die?’
It’s a thought that you have had at least once during your life.
Most of the time, we have time to prepare for it. We have timelines, wills and testimonies, folders of essential information - a fully detailed game plan mapped out for our loved ones when the time comes for us to pass on. But what about those who don’t have a plan? What if their time came to an abrupt end, whether or not it was beyond their control? Regardless of what categories you or your loved ones have fallen into, we all have a common term that helps us move past this period - grief.
We all feel it at one point in our lives. Most of us, particularly in my age group, vividly remember the passing of our grandparents either of old age or illness. Some of us have even lived through our parents’ passing. Some, as unfortunate as it is to say, have had to bury their children before their time, which is a horrible experience to endure. No matter which you have bore witness to, the sinking feeling of grief is always present.
The feeling of grief is fleeting, but it is also one that holds onto us longer than it has any right to. For me, to visually describe this feeling, it begins as if you have lit a match - the initial spark is the soul-crushing realization/news of one’s passing. Whether you knew about this for a while or if it sprung up on you unexpectedly, the feeling unfortunately is the same. Then as the match slowly burns, the grief passes through you. We have all heard of the five stages of grief, and each person passes through them differently. By the time the match is burned out, whether it be that we have accepted the last stage of grief or if we are consumed entirely by it, most would expect that feeling to just vanish into dust. This should not be the reality. Alternatively, I would argue that it’s not the reality.
Something that I have recently learned is grief has no timeline. Our society has ingrained in us that everything has a time limit and once that window has passed, then it shouldn’t still be there. I don’t believe this to be true. Sure, we have the normal funeral proceedings, burials, and a period of mourning, but just because these things have happened, doesn’t mean the grief goes away. There is a difference between having your own opinion of your timeframe of grief and pushing that onto someone who is not ready to let go of that grief. No one, and I mean NO ONE should ever have to feel rushed or slighted because of their grief. It lingers - like the sensation of a match if and when it touches your skin after being burned down enough.
Grief never really goes away. I still mourn the loss of my grandparents to this day, even if for some, it has been over a decade since they left. Every year on the anniversary of their death, I light a memorial candle, say Kaddish, and keep it lit for 24 hours to honor their memory. It helps alleviate the grief, even if only for a moment. Losing a grandparent or a friend, for me, can never measure up to losing either a parent or a child. I hope that. my parents and my children (whenever I have them) live long, fulfilling lives. In some cases, however, this wish does not come true.
Tragically, some parents have to say goodbye to their kids long before they are ready to do so. These deaths can never fully be grasped, and we would never know whether it was intentional or not. These passings not only leave feelings of grief but a plethora of other emotions - anger, loneliness, sorrow, and hurt, amongst others. Parents who have lost their children especially should not be expected to move on as quickly (not that any death of any kind should be brushed over). For parents, their children were everything - their true hearts and souls. As someone who does not have any children, I cannot begin to grasp the idea of losing something so precious as my son or daughter. I have known people who fall into this particular category, and my heart aches when they recount the stories. They are not my stories to tell, but you can only imagine the grief and pain that they must have felt, and for some still feel, during those times.
Each of us copes differently with death and grief - but in any case, a support system is vital. Without one, we all plunge deeper into a hole of darkness that we are already casting ourselves into. A support system can help lift us back up and carry us through those trying times. My idea as someone’s support system can be summed up in three words - sympathy, kindness, and love. For starters, let’s clearly define what these things aren’t:
Sympathy is not shrugging their feelings off or forcing them to “move on” when they are not ready. Unsolicited advice is also grouped here.
Kindness is not rubbing salt in the wound or disrespecting the departed, even if it was meant as a joke.
Love is not being there for them in their darkest hour.
Rather -
Sympathy is listening to their story.
Sympathy is being their rock through these trying times.
Sympathy is offering solutions, even if they choose not to take it - it’s their choice after all.
Kindness is opening your heart up for them to embrace.
Kindness is bringing the family of the departed a dish (whether it’s a homemade casserole or a family meal from a takeout restaurant).
Kindness is helping them with whatever they need without being asked to.
Love is a hug if words cannot suffice.
Love is a card given to loved ones, knowing you care.
Love is providing them with a safe space, sharing their stories (if you knew the departed) and being there for them, no matter what.
All of these show support in one form or another, and whether you can provide all of them, or only one, it shows you care. This will mean more to someone than they can ever imagine.
All I can say now, simply as a human being, is to embody these three characteristics towards those you love who are going through a hard time. Whether they are ready to move on or not, be there for them every step of the way. As a writer as well, I believe that everyone’s story is important. The most heartbreaking thing for those who have lost someone is the idea that they are forgotten - as their support, it’s important not to let anyone feel that way. Share and remember these memories - their physical body might be gone, but they will always live on through the stories and memories we have shared.
And, to all of those out there, whether you are currently in the period of mourning for a loved one, or the grief never really went away, I only can offer these words of comfort and healing during these times.
May their memories always be a blessing.
